Sunday, January 30, 2005
Smoke is coming out of my head.. *sizzle*Can't they just farking make up their minds?!?!!! Stop their freaking FICKLE-MINDEDNESS??!!!?!!!!!!
Warning: This is another of my rant and rave sessions. If u hate being ranted and raved at, please save urself the agony and leave now. If u like reading about and sharing my problems with me, or offering me some condolences, then proceed. Thanks.
REALLY. I'm really exxxtremely pissed right now. One day, they say wanna find a shop with living quarters to move to and ask me to quickly find one for them. Kept chasing me and pushing me for it. (This really annoys me supremely, i can assure u, and caused many heated arguments between my mum and me.)
I spent days, weeks and even a few months or so looking for it. Then finally i found one, with reasonable rent, nice location, nice environment. (Opposite Queensway Shopping Centre, for those who are wondering.) They visited the place and liked it, and decided to take it.
THEN the a few days later they told me they don't want it. They rather forfeit the $500 deposit. WTF?!! Wasted my effort, wasted my time, wasted my $500 deposit (which i'm getting back from them). I dun mind paying for them actually, if it's really deposit for the shop, not when it's forfeited. Dammit!
It's times like this that i really hate to live with them. Keep moving around is one thing, not to mention the time needed to pack, move, unpack, etc. I accepted it.
BUT nobody farks around with me by telling me to do something for them, and after i spent time, effort, and money doing it, they then come telling me 'no we want something totally different'. -_-ZZZZZZ
I really feel like being fooled. What's this, has April Fool arrived and i'm not aware of it??? What can i do, besides following what they decide? They may ask for my opinion, they can tell me i'm an adult and i should share this (problem or whatever) with them, but in the end whatever decisions they make, do they ask me? Do they listen to what i want? No what! They just go ahead and decide and then just tell me what they decided. Note: it's tell, without considering my thoughts and situation in this.
I YEARN for the day when i can finally leave the nest. For those who are pointing fingers at me and calling me an ingrate, this doesn't mean i'm going to abandon them. No matter what happens, i'll take up the responsibility to take care of them for the rest of their lives. But i want to live my life my own way, and make my own decisions (regardless of whether they're right or mistakes).
At this moment, i don't know if i should cry or what. Ahhh!! &$^#@$*&!^@$%*%$@#%!&%#@^&%@!*&%*!!!
...................................!!!!!!!!
....................................................!!!!!
...................!
........
...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
*Takes a deep deep breath* Right.. i always feel much better after typing my 'sorrows' here. Haiz. Hope things will get better soon.
posted @ 10:59 AM
Thursday, January 27, 2005
I'm getting old.. =(Really, i get tired easily nowadays. By around this time, sometimes even earlier, my eyes would be crying for sleep.
Anyway, was out for movie with Joey earlier on. We went to watch Elektra, an action movie starring Jennifer Garner as the female lead character Elektra. It's quite a short movie in comparison to others, only about 99 minutes.
Not too bad on the whole, i wouldn't say it's a must-see but if u're totally into movies like tomb raider, this is another movie u'd like to watch, mostly filled with action, some supernatural stuff, and a sexy female lead. (Note: There's like a 10 second fxf kissing scene. If u'd totally puke with such displays it's better that u just skip the movie or simply close ur eyes. =x)
Well, really too tired to blog anymore, so i guess i'll stop here at the moment. More tomorrow or on later days. Ciao!
posted @ 11:54 PM
Sunday, January 23, 2005
Gaaggle google? Brreh breeh pui???Eh, what the hell is that?? Anyone knows? Neither do i. I guess i'll never figure out the Baby Language.
Alright, today's topic is about babies. Love them? Hate them? I'm sure most ppl have contradicting feelings about them. Like me, there're times when i love them, there're times when i absolutely don't want to have anything to do with them.
Take for example my cousin Joey's son, Jovan. Erm by the way, what's the term that relates him to me? Nephew and.. aunt? Not sure also. Anyway, when ppl just take a look at him with his adorable toothy grin (he only has like 4 teeth now btw *kawaii~*) and very very very long eyelashes, they just go all 'oohs' and 'ahhs' over him.
But wait til u have to take care of him.. i think u'll go 'eeks' and 'omg'. Mind u, i'm not saying he's horrible or disgusting. He just has quite a few (for the lack of a better word) naughty habits.
Like most babies, he likes to be carried and can never stay still for more than a minute. (Unless he's sleeping or feeding.) Okay, that's kinda expected from a hyperactive baby. But wait a min, since when did my hair become part of his plaything!? That's really ouchy. Believe me, a baby may seem weak but he does have the strength to pluck out a few strands of hair.
U know the most interesting stage for a baby is when he's in the stage of walking-stumbling. Why is that? Picture this: the baby sees something interesting, he wants to get a closer look and maybe even touch it. Instead of crawling (interesting now that i think of it, Jovan doesn't seem to like crawling much, except for short distances) he stands up, wobbles, takes his 1st step, then plop down on the floor again. Then, he decides to make his way over supporting himself by holding to anything he can grab (including my leg, leaving scratches behind in the process).
If u think the irritating ringing thing (that's an alarm clock for those slower thinkers) waking u up each morning is noisy, then think again. When u hear a shrill high pitch wail coming out of his mouth, it's him either demanding (note: it's demanding, not asking) for a piece of whatever u're eating, or telling u there's poo poo in his diapers, or just for the sake of making attention-grabbing noise.
Despite all that, i can never ever turn my back on my dear adorable nephew Jovan. (I'm getting mushy already.. bear with me a little ok?) Just because i think he has the cutest laugh ever. I always find it uplifting when i hear him laugh, like everything else doesn't matter as long as he's happy.
I have to admit though, i still have a long way to go in the art of dealing and handling with babies. Perhaps if i become a mother someday then i can begin to learn.
P.S. I think Jovan has another weird behaviour.. he seems to like bumping his head on the wall. Not the i-wanna-commit-suicide type of bumps of course, just light ones. Hope that's just a baby habit? =/
posted @ 11:13 PM
Modern nomads!! ~_~
Think i'm moving again.. soon. Maybe in a few weeks time after we get the new place ready. Really, i think i've had enough of moving for this lifetime. Even if i can take it, i think the furnitures are falling apart from being dragged around too much.
Anyway, guess where i'm moving to this time. Bukit Merah, near Alexandra Village. ~_~ Not that i'm not happy with that neighbourhood. It's got all the shops and facilities i expect, the only disadvantage is that it's a little far from the mrt.
But it's what my parents are looking for all this time, a shop with residence above. The environment isn't bad at all, and the rental is acceptable. So.. gonna say bye bye to toa payoh soon.. aww..
I feel a little sad, coz i really like staying in toa payoh. It's really convenient and only a 5-min walk to the mrt. Furthermore, it's only a few mrt stops to the central area.
However, we can't have everything we want hehe. Anyone living around bukit merah? Treat me lim kopi leh, and while we're at it show me around the area too? =x
posted @ 12:20 AM
Friday, January 21, 2005
The way of "cohabitation"Just reached home from work, and in the process of waiting for my turn to use the bathroom, hence making use of this time to write some crap here. Before u go any further i must warn u that this is gonna be a looooong (dreary?) post.
When u read the topic an air bubble probably popped out beside ur head with a "!?" inside. I'm not really talking about cohabitation here, but rather, the way to communicate and interact with others around u, or more precisely, the ppl u live with.
Let me replay what happened last night which caused me to lose a few hours of beauty sleep, not to mention quite a few drops of my precious tears.
Besides going out for lunch with my cousin Joey, i basically spent the whole of yesterday twiddling with my laptop. My parents came home at around 10pm and i waited for them to finish their baths before i took mine (i guess if i had bathed earlier when no one was at home this problem wouldn't arise). The other tenant, also living in my aunt's house, came home slightly after they took their baths. (Seperately of coz, in case anyone's wondering.)
After both my parents were done, i heard the bathroom door open and close several times in the 15 or so following mins so i assumed that the tenant had went in and taken her bath. Therefore, (partly to avoid my mum's incessant nagging) i just took my clothes and went in for my long-awaited bath.
It was after i came out of the bathroom fully refreshed that i saw her going in again and believe me i was a little surprised, although i didn't think much about it.
About 5 mins later i heard a knock on the bedroom door and i opened it to see the tenant's boyfriend standing there. (Yea i know it's her boyfriend coz i've seen him coming over and staying overnight in her room almost everyday and i don't even think that's usually condoned by most house owners, but since my aunt's the soft-hearted type i'm not surprised she hasn't said anything about it. *takes a deep soothing breath*)
He started saying that his girlfriend had already hung her clothes in the bathroom (i swear i didn't notice them when i went in) before i went in and she just came out to open the house door for him coz he happened to come over at that time. (Again.) The next thing she knew i had suddenly popped into the bathroom and she was crying and complaining to her boyfriend in her room that she's tired from work everyday and doesn't like the fact that i seem to have snatched the bathroom from her (wtf?!). He went on to say that his girlfriend has become mentally unbalanced coz of this (wtf?!?!) and we (including my parents) should spare some thoughts for her and blah blah black sheep.
The audacity of him!!! He isn't a tenant of my aunt so he shouldn't be spending nights here in the 1st place, much less lecture me on what i should or shouldn't do and whatever shit. If his girlfriend has any complaints she can go straight to my aunt and have her talk to me about it, not asking her boyfriend over to confront me. What, trying to bully me? Fark him! (Which is what she's probably doing everytime he comes over to find her. Ok, that's crude, but what else can u do every night?)
Like i said earlier on, if i bathed earlier all these probably wouldn't have happened. But then again, perhaps it would happen sooner or later anyway. I just have this habit of bathing at night. I'm trying to correct it though, especially after this incident, but it's for my own benefit, not hers.
And how did i react last night? Of coz, i didn't want to be the cause of my aunt losing a tenant, so i just swallowed all my anger, smiled sweetly (if fake smiles could kill he'd be in hell already), and apologised. Hey, i AM really sorry for making her wait for her bath, but i didn't do it deliberately did i? If i saw her clothes in the bathroom i would have let her use it 1st. How the hell would i notice if she choose to hang her clothes in an inconspicuous corner. So why did he have to say until like i'm purposely fighting with her for the use of the bathroom? For the fun of it? My favourite pasttime is preventing others from using the bathroom? Get real. -.-zzz
Give me my sleep back! I oughta sue him for mental distraught. It's really just a trivial matter, but as i was trying to sleep last night, i actually cried (yes cried!) a little. Yea go ahead and call me a crybaby. I don't have any idea why i cried though. It's really nothing to cry about. But the tears just came. I only knew that i felt a little sad, a little angry and.. a little bullied. Or maybe it's due to my pent up feelings for the past who-knows-how-long? Or is it the problems my family is facing?
My dad was telling me, it takes alot of effort to get along with other ppl, especially in such close confines. Yea i agree with that, and i admit i'm not the most caring and considerate person in this world, but that doesn't mean i go all out to make ppl's lives miserable. If possible, and within my means, i really would like to put others' convenience over my own. I may be thoughtless at times, but i don't mean any harm. It really upsets me when i'm wrongly accused. (Although right now i don't give a damn what those two m****s think of me.)
Arhh.. maybe i really don't have what it takes to relate to ppl. I can only try my best and i seriously couldn't care less to those who don't appreciate it.
posted @ 10:33 PM
Thursday, January 20, 2005
It's a clean and green environment!Finally got round to changing my blog color theme a little. I'm kinda crazy about anime currently (i think some may say i'm always crazy abt anime) so to those who have some (weird) hatred for anime, please pardon me.
I originally wanted to write smth much longer than this but my mum has been nagging at me non-stop for the past 30 mins to go for my bath so i guess i'll have to leave my ramblings til tomorrow. (This is to save my ears of coz.) Til tomorrow then!
posted @ 10:37 PM
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
God.. give me a break man..When i said "if only this harmony will last" i didn't expect it would only last til like.. now. As i'm typing this, my parents are again arguing behind me. -.-zzz
And i didn't know what the hell i have to do with their argument. My mum suddenly kept complaining about the time when i was too picky in finding a job and i should settle down for any job even if it's far from where i was staying and yadda yadda. Wtf? Does that mean that i should go work as toilet cleaner? (Yea i know it's a proper job but.) If that's not enough i should travel 10 thousand miles to work when i can find smth like 10 mins walk away? That's not even saying i'm still working for my dad at the moment. I don't understand why the hell she's so anxious for me to find some job when i already HAVE a job. (Wtf again!?)
Alright, i have no problem with her telling me her opinions and thoughts but why does she have to do it in the freaking nag-til-u-wish-u're-deaf sort of way. Thaaat really pisses me off to no end. Besides, i've already told her roughly about my plans for the recent future and that's not enough? Do i have to tell her what i intend to do for every min for the rest of my life?
ARGHZ.. really i don't know how long i can tolerate this. I need a punching bag.. volunteer please! -_-||
posted @ 10:25 PM
Monday, January 17, 2005
Like or dislike? Love or hate..?Are there times when u don't know whether u love or hate, like or dislike someone?
Today, not for the first time, i really feel my dad's age showing. The way he gets tired easily, the frequency of the breaks he take in between jobs. And my heart just simply goes out to him. (Hey, despite my previous complaints abt him, i'm not cold-blooded.) I think regardless of what happens between my parents, i can never bring myself to abandon either of them.
Things have kinda cooled down between them these few days. And the issue of divorce or seperation is postponed (yet again). I'm glad about that of coz.. no one likes to see his/her own family fall apart.
If only this sort of harmony can go on forever..
posted @ 11:39 PM
Thursday, January 13, 2005
Curse this stomach of mine..Been having diarrhoea for the past few days.. and the toilet is becoming my after-meal hangout. I simply dun understand what's going on inside me.
Initially i thought i had eaten some unclean food, but this has been going on for a few days already. Seems like whatever i'd eaten is all coming out from my backdoor. Not that i dun need a diet, but i dun think it's a healthy way to go for it.
Was rather lazy the past few days to blog.. more like i was lazy to think of what to blog abt. My brain seems to be taking a vacation for an indefinite period of time, or perhaps it's the result of me being lazy to use my brain lately. It's like a case of lethargy.. it's hard to get the engine started.
Alrite.. the laziness is getting to me again. Think i'll blog til here for the time being. Laters.
posted @ 9:56 PM
Saturday, January 08, 2005
I don't care if i go to hell..I had a row with him ytd at work, over some miniscule misunderstanding that he chose to get all fired up over, putting a strain on our already-not-so-close relationship.
We're still on talking terms, but our 'conversation' is worse than that of two acquaintances who happen to meet each other on a street. In fact, i think i barely spoke more than 10 sentences to him in all the time i was in his shop today, if those were even called sentences. Well, i don't think i ever have an ongoing conversation with him 1-on-1 which consists of more than 10 sentences anyway.
To put it simply, we talk, but we don't communicate at all. I spend most of my waking hours working with him, but i communicate 10 times more with my mum during the few hours (although my mum usually does most of the talking) i spend at home at nite.
Seriously, i think up til now, he still doesn't realise his failure as a father. I bet he doesn't even know what my likes and hates are, coz alot of things that he do are in my hate list. I hate the way he thinks he's always rite (most of the time, if not always), hate the way he smokes like there's no tomorrow, hate the way he uses his father stature to restrict me on things that matter when he didn't even bother to spend time doing the things a father should do in the past 20 or so years of my life, like coming home early at nite to have dinner or just spending some quality family time together. Those are just a few examples.
I'm not saying he did absolutely nothing. He gave me gifts on the appropriate occasions, provided me pocket money, and bla bla. If u realise, those are more like the typical material stuff, u get what i'm trying to say.
Yea i guess i can be considered lucky in the sense that i don't have an abusive father and all that, but having a dad that u seldom see, much less talk to, doesn't make things any better.
Although now i get to see him almost everyday, i think it's kinda too late to make any adjustments. I mentioned before (in my previous post) i find it difficult to be affectionate to ppl, even my mum. Hence, u can imagine my ralationship with my father, even worse. And i find it difficult to change my attitude towards him after all these years.
Am i asking for too much? I'm don't really wanna put all the blame on him, but it's just what i feel. Anyway, time off for now, i'm really tired of all these.
posted @ 11:02 PM
Friday, January 07, 2005
Jia jia you ben nan nian de jing.. Part IIRite.. on with the topic. All those junk that i typed ytd.. well they were induced by marriage problems faced by those arnd me.
Let me describe a scenario.. u're pregnant (presumably u're female and not married) and u're faced with some options.. and u seriously have to make a decision very soon. The father's willing to take up the responsibility and marry u (even if it's kinda reluctantly). However, though to a certain extent u do like the guy, but probably not enough to wanna spend the rest of ur life with him. Or rather, u don't think he's dependable enough, i.e. u don't trust him to be able to take care of u and the baby, at least, at this moment in time. What will ur decision be? Marry the guy with the baby being the primary reason, or be a single mother and bring up the child on ur own, or go for an abortion?
It's a hard decision.. complicated by moral and ethical issues. No matter what decision is made by anyone who ever come across such a situation, it's difficult to judge the right or wrong of it. Hopefully, the consequences of any decision made would be taken into serious consideration.
How is it that, a couple married for more than 20 years (with the last 1/3 of the time spent tolerating one another), finally decides to divorce? Why is it that a couple can get married out of love, but separate due to betrayal of one or both parties? It really saddens me to see such things happening.. esp when it happens so close to me.. too close, in fact, for me to not get involved.
Imagine spending 20 years with someone, to discover that it has all been a bunch of lies. Maybe not totally a bunch of lies, but enough to make u think that most of what he said or did was bullshit. It really hurts to find out the truth by sneaking arnd. (That's what u really got to do when u can't get the real shit out of his mouth.)
Imagine spending 20 years with someone who thinks u have a brain like the size of a pea and a mind with the speed of a snail. Well, i'm exaggerating but u get the idea.. someone who thinks so lowly of u that they don't bother talking to or discussing with u abt anything. I don't think most ppl like being told "you wouldn't understand anyway" every time they try to show some concern or ask twice abt the troubles and thoughts of their loved one.
Imagine spending 20 years slogging ur life away for someone who doesn't even know how to show a bit of appreciation. Not only u have to tolerate the shit from ur boss and colleagues at work to contribute to the family income, u have to double as a maid when u reach home, and u don't even get paid for it. Ok, i'm exaggerating again, but it's a more effective way to get the idea through to ppl rite? No one likes to be taken for granted, and it takes so little to make someone feel appreciated.. just a sincere word of thanks, a small hug here and there, even a smile will do. Ppl are really getting ungrateful nowadays. (I'm probably guilty of it too, one time or another.)
Sometimes, looking at the ppl arnd me, i feel that i'm beginning to lose faith in the bonds of matrimony. To many ppl in this century, marriage is just a piece of paper stating that u've visited ROM at least once in ur life.
Life is really unpredictable.. and ever-changing. Probably it is best to just cherish the moment.. bu zai hu tian chang di jiu.. zhi zai hu ceng jing yong you..
posted @ 11:26 PM
Thursday, January 06, 2005
Jia jia you ben nan nian de jing..What is love? This is a question i've asked myself several times before.. and until now, i still can't give myself a perfect ans.
Yes.. i've been in relationships before. I had both loved and been loved. But is that true love? Have i truely loved anyone in my life before? How do i tell if it's really love that i'm feeling?
When is it true love? Is it when i feel that i want to live with this person for the rest of my life? Or is it when i feel that i can't live without him?
Is true love everlasting? Does it diminishes as time goes by? Or does it gets stronger day by day, year by year?
How do one measure love? How do one differentiate the different kinds of love? Are there places, situations or circumstances where love is not permitted?
Alot of questions.. but i've thought of them in some part of my life or another. Sometimes when i think of it, perhaps i've not experienced true love. I had relationships, but since i'm able to let go of them, and those i once loved (at least to a certain extent, they are still love, albeit probably not matured), then they're probably not the true love that i'm talking abt.
Probably, i love the feeling of loving someone.. and the feeling of being loved by someone. To be cared by someone, and be treasured like some precious gem or endangered species. And probably, i'd started to lose faith in a relationship once i feel that such feelings are lacking.
Thinking the above, i suddenly realise that although i've matured physically, emotionally i still have a long way to go. Maybe, at this stage in my life, i'm still unable to give anyone the love i so desire for myself. Why? It is not that i don't wish to. Is it bcoz i haven't met the person who can make my heart beats a thousand notes per min? Or is it that i'm just incapable of true love, incapable of giving myself fully to another being.. body, mind and soul?
Since as long as i can remember, i've always had difficulty expressing myself, esp when it comes to my emotions. To some ppl, saying the words 'i love you' is as easy as saying 'huh? go die lah!'.. but to me, it takes alot to squeeze out just 3 miserable words, even to my mum. But that doesn't mean i don't love her. I just have trouble being affectionate. I'm just not used to hugging, or being touchy feely, although i've gotten better over the years.
So what does that make me? A cold, unaffectionate, emotionally-immatured person who sucks at expressing herself. Sounds kinda pathetic. -.- Of coz, i don't think i'm really all that.. maybe just not emotionally ready to contribute fully to any relationship, although i do have occasional thoughts of settling down with a family of my own.
So what's all this rambling got to do with the topic u ask? Well.. i think i'll leave it to tommorow. It's late and i wanna go to bed. Besides, i've got alot of thoughts to sort through tonite..
posted @ 11:56 PM
Monday, January 03, 2005
Hmm.. my 1st post for the year.. didn't blog for several days.. partly coz i didn't have the mood to blog.. and there's nth special to blog abt either.
Firstly, i'd like to express my gratitude to those that had, no matter how large or small, a part in my life for the past year. I won't mention any names.. but i'm sure each of u would fit into at least one part of my thank you list..
Thanks to those who gave me the patience and concern when i had my cases of pms coz i know i can be a real bitch when that occurs..
Thanks to those who tolerated my being unreasonable and my stubbornness coz i know that's really a pain in the ass..
Thanks to those who bothered to entertain me when i was bored and sick of just twiddling my fingers all day coz those are the little perks that gave me quite alot of laughter along the way..
Thanks to those who took me for granted coz in the process of getting hurt i know i got stronger as well..
Thanks to those who love or like me for who i am coz i'm unlikely to change much in the coming years unless i want to..
I duno if i left any out since that's all i can think of for now..
Now on with my new year resolution. Rite, basically i haven't actually given it any thot until the moment i typed that out a few secs ago. Now that i'm thinking abt it, there're alot of things that i'd like to get done. For starters i wanna really work on my diet. I think that's my yearly resolution lolz. Ok for real.. i wanna get my driving license.. i wanna learn dancing.. i wanna volunteer for spca.. i wanna.. wanna.. and the list goes on..
However, what i really want.. is what most women want.. is just to fall in love.. haha.. there, my day-dreaming is starting again. Well, sometimes the loneliness juz gets to u. But then, i like being single as well, or rather, the freedom that comes with being single. I guess i'm juz being a little pessimistic nowadays.. perhaps affected by the frequent disasters occuring all over the world lately?
Well.. i guess i'll juz continue waiting for my boy toy- oops, i mean prince charming to come.. =P
posted @ 11:22 PM