Saturday, January 08, 2005
I don't care if i go to hell..I had a row with him ytd at work, over some miniscule misunderstanding that he chose to get all fired up over, putting a strain on our already-not-so-close relationship.
We're still on talking terms, but our 'conversation' is worse than that of two acquaintances who happen to meet each other on a street. In fact, i think i barely spoke more than 10 sentences to him in all the time i was in his shop today, if those were even called sentences. Well, i don't think i ever have an ongoing conversation with him 1-on-1 which consists of more than 10 sentences anyway.
To put it simply, we talk, but we don't communicate at all. I spend most of my waking hours working with him, but i communicate 10 times more with my mum during the few hours (although my mum usually does most of the talking) i spend at home at nite.
Seriously, i think up til now, he still doesn't realise his failure as a father. I bet he doesn't even know what my likes and hates are, coz alot of things that he do are in my hate list. I hate the way he thinks he's always rite (most of the time, if not always), hate the way he smokes like there's no tomorrow, hate the way he uses his father stature to restrict me on things that matter when he didn't even bother to spend time doing the things a father should do in the past 20 or so years of my life, like coming home early at nite to have dinner or just spending some quality family time together. Those are just a few examples.
I'm not saying he did absolutely nothing. He gave me gifts on the appropriate occasions, provided me pocket money, and bla bla. If u realise, those are more like the typical material stuff, u get what i'm trying to say.
Yea i guess i can be considered lucky in the sense that i don't have an abusive father and all that, but having a dad that u seldom see, much less talk to, doesn't make things any better.
Although now i get to see him almost everyday, i think it's kinda too late to make any adjustments. I mentioned before (in my previous post) i find it difficult to be affectionate to ppl, even my mum. Hence, u can imagine my ralationship with my father, even worse. And i find it difficult to change my attitude towards him after all these years.
Am i asking for too much? I'm don't really wanna put all the blame on him, but it's just what i feel. Anyway, time off for now, i'm really tired of all these.
posted @ 11:02 PM