Thursday, January 06, 2005
Jia jia you ben nan nian de jing..What is love? This is a question i've asked myself several times before.. and until now, i still can't give myself a perfect ans.
Yes.. i've been in relationships before. I had both loved and been loved. But is that true love? Have i truely loved anyone in my life before? How do i tell if it's really love that i'm feeling?
When is it true love? Is it when i feel that i want to live with this person for the rest of my life? Or is it when i feel that i can't live without him?
Is true love everlasting? Does it diminishes as time goes by? Or does it gets stronger day by day, year by year?
How do one measure love? How do one differentiate the different kinds of love? Are there places, situations or circumstances where love is not permitted?
Alot of questions.. but i've thought of them in some part of my life or another. Sometimes when i think of it, perhaps i've not experienced true love. I had relationships, but since i'm able to let go of them, and those i once loved (at least to a certain extent, they are still love, albeit probably not matured), then they're probably not the true love that i'm talking abt.
Probably, i love the feeling of loving someone.. and the feeling of being loved by someone. To be cared by someone, and be treasured like some precious gem or endangered species. And probably, i'd started to lose faith in a relationship once i feel that such feelings are lacking.
Thinking the above, i suddenly realise that although i've matured physically, emotionally i still have a long way to go. Maybe, at this stage in my life, i'm still unable to give anyone the love i so desire for myself. Why? It is not that i don't wish to. Is it bcoz i haven't met the person who can make my heart beats a thousand notes per min? Or is it that i'm just incapable of true love, incapable of giving myself fully to another being.. body, mind and soul?
Since as long as i can remember, i've always had difficulty expressing myself, esp when it comes to my emotions. To some ppl, saying the words 'i love you' is as easy as saying 'huh? go die lah!'.. but to me, it takes alot to squeeze out just 3 miserable words, even to my mum. But that doesn't mean i don't love her. I just have trouble being affectionate. I'm just not used to hugging, or being touchy feely, although i've gotten better over the years.
So what does that make me? A cold, unaffectionate, emotionally-immatured person who sucks at expressing herself. Sounds kinda pathetic. -.- Of coz, i don't think i'm really all that.. maybe just not emotionally ready to contribute fully to any relationship, although i do have occasional thoughts of settling down with a family of my own.
So what's all this rambling got to do with the topic u ask? Well.. i think i'll leave it to tommorow. It's late and i wanna go to bed. Besides, i've got alot of thoughts to sort through tonite..
posted @ 11:56 PM